Grief is a powerful experience that almost everyone has to endure. Grief springs from many sources: loss of a loved one, loss of health, loss of hope, loss of a dream. Note the common theme of loss.
We are designed by God to grieve these losses in community, and almost every culture has its communal expressions of shared grieving.
Communal Grief
Shared grief is attested to in Scripture multiple times in both Testaments, especially in the context of bereavement.
“So Joseph went up to bury his father. All Pharaoh’s officials accompanied him—the dignitaries of his court and all the dignitaries of Egypt—besides all the members of Joseph’s household and his brothers and those belonging to his father’s household. Only their children and their flocks and herds were left in Goshen. Chariots and horsemen also went up with him. It was a very large company. When they reached the threshing floor of Atad, near the Jordan, they lamented loudly and bitterly; and there Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father.” -Genesis 50:7-10
“On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. Now Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother.” -John 11:17-19
Grief isn’t just about bereavement though. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus wasn’t grieving someone’s death. He was grieving the path that His Father was asking Him to walk. According to Matthew’s Gospel account, Jesus’ question for His sleeping disciples wasn’t “Why aren’t you praying?” It was, “‘… couldn’t you stay awake with me for one hour (Matthew 26:40, NET, emphasis added)?’” In His grief, he wanted them with Him; He needed His closest friends’ companionship. Sadly, no one could help Him carry that burden, and He prayed alone.
Understanding Disenfranchised Grief
The process of normal grief is something that has received a lot of popular press over the years, so I won’t cover that in detail here. It is hard, it is slow, and it is an important, normal process. What I’d like to share with you today is the concept of disenfranchised grief.
Grief isn’t meant to be carried alone; it is a community burden. But what about griefs you can’t share? What about griefs that are misunderstood, grief that is politically incorrect, grief about things that you are ashamed of, or grief about events that you are not ready to share with others? Disenfranchised grief is grief that you have to bear alone, because others are unable or unwilling to accept your grief as legitimate.
Disenfranchised Grief in Ministry
In our first five years on the field, we worked with Palestinians. The ongoing tragedy that was unfolding before us was horrifyingly brutal, hopeless, and wrong. But our supporters were for the most part solidly pro-Israel; at best, most were uncomfortable with the subject. That was nearly 30 years ago, and I still have a hard time talking about what we saw, what we still grieve. It’s not a safe subject to share with many of the people that could best minister to our broken hearts. Those of you who are working with refugees today may face the same attitudes in your communities and churches.
Maybe closer to home, those who serve in ministry will almost certainly struggle with their faith. Our Sunday school theology crashes headlong into a harsh, broken world where the simple answers we thought we believed simply don’t hold up. And who can you talk to that can help you walk through that scary place? Fear of being judged, fear of losing supporters, fear of losing your job—all these conspire to make you try to carry your grief alone. And you can’t carry it alone, at least not healthily, not hopefully. Isn’t hope the light at the end of grief’s tunnel? Disenfranchised grief effectively extinguishes that light.
The loss of hope that characterizes depression carries its own brand of grief. Surely missionaries are spiritual enough to be free from depression! Well-meaning friends may suggest coming home since they can’t understand that you can be spiritually responsible and deeply troubled at the same time. But what about Moses, Job, David, Elijah, Jeremiah, Nehemiah, and Jesus? What heartaches have you been carrying alone? Anxiety, distressed relationships, loss of relationships to the constant moves? A shift in your faith? Questions about God’s goodness?
Asking for Community in Times of Grief
None of these burdens are meant to be borne alone, which is why disenfranchised grief—grief over a loss you feel unable to share or that others are unwilling to accept—is a double burden. And yet Jesus does not leave us alone. “‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened … (Matthew 11:28).’” He understands your heart, your loss. Can you ask Him to bring you someone who you can safely share your story with? Can you believe Him for the courage to ask for help?
The Language of Lament
In the Bible, the language of lament is consistently modeled as an essential part of a believer’s prayer life. But in Western Christian culture, it is a type of prayer language that is rarely practiced. As bearers of the good news, we must orient ourselves around the language of lament as we seek to serve the hurting.
