I want to share with you a basic counseling concept called accurate empathy. This tool is so useful in so many realms that I think you will enjoy having it at your disposal.
Accurate empathy is a listening skill that is considered by most modern counselors as one of the indispensable, foundational concepts of effective counseling. But it goes back much further than the modern counseling movement. Consider James 1:19: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry … .” And Galatians 6:2: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes, to understand what they are feeling, thinking, and fearing. This is not the same thing as sympathy, which is feeling sad for, or pitying, someone else. Sympathy isn’t a bad thing, but it’s really about me; it’s a feeling I have in response to someone else’s misfortune. Accurate empathy is understanding and caring about someone else’s world. Joy, grief, fear, satisfaction, frustration, ecstasy—all of these can be empathized with and are more meaningful when shared.
You’ve probably experienced someone gushing sympathy for you before they even understood what you were really feeling. At the very least, it’s annoying! Even worse is when someone understands my heart, but they couldn’t care less. Ouch! But someone who takes the time to hear my heart, who understands, and who lets me know that my heart matters to them is powerfully encouraging.
The Spiritual Effects of Accurate Empathy
Consider the story in 1 Samuel 25 of David, Nabal, and Abigail. David sent 10 young men to tell the local rich guy Nabal that they were hungry and needed food. Nabal understood this perfectly well, but he couldn’t care less. He answered their request with accusations and threats. Nabal’s wife, Abigail, on the other hand, didn’t just understand the men’s hunger. She also understood David’s heart to fight the Lord’s battles and his need to have a clear conscience when he rose to the throne. She not only answered his need with food but also answered him with spoken affirmation that she understood his feelings, and that his heart concerns mattered to her. Abigail’s accurate empathy had a tremendous impact on David, and it changed both their lives in powerful ways.
Accurate empathy, then, means communicating that you understand correctly part of someone else’s world, and it matters to you. Understanding another person’s heart is, in itself, quite an accomplishment. Communicating to the other person that you understand and that what they are sharing matters is another challenge.
Imagine what accurate empathy can do for us as we share the good news of Jesus! Instead of simply telling people that they are lost sinners who need Jesus, what about hearing and caring for their hearts? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you do hear and care about their hearts. But can you reflect the concerns and feelings you hear back to them, to let them know they’ve been heard, that their sharing their heart issues with you matters? The trust that is built on this foundation is deep, and you will gain a much more personal understanding of which aspects of lostness they are struggling with.
A Practical Example of Accurate Empathy
For a practical example of accurate empathy, imagine that last night I dreamed about a green car cutting me off in traffic, and then this morning on the way to work, it happened just like in my dream. It seems a little spooky, so I decide to share it with a friend at work. The desired result: Reassurance that I’m not going crazy.
Me: Maurice, you won’t believe what happened to me on the way to work this morning!
Maurice: Oh no! Did you get stuck in traffic?
Me: No, well, let me back up. I had this dream last night, and it really spooked me.
Maurice: Seriously, I hate it when I have bad dreams; they really ruin my day.
By this time, I’ve probably figured out that Maurice is a fun person to visit with over coffee, but he’s not really in tune with my unsettled heart. Empathetic, yes, but not accurate.
Let’s try again with a new and improved Maurice:
Me: Maurice, you won’t believe what happened to me on the way to work this morning!
Maurice: Really! What happened?
Me: Well, I had a dream last night about getting cut off in traffic by a green car, and then this morning the exact same thing happened to me on Central Expressway. The car was even the same color! Is that weird or what?
Maurice: Wow, that must have felt really weird!
Me: Exactly! It’s just so crazy. I had an uncle who was a little whacko, and he was always talking about weird stuff like this happening to him.
Maurice: Makes you wonder whether you are going crazy, doesn’t it?
Me: Yeah, it is definitely making me think. How do things like that happen? Do you think it means something?
In the first version, Maurice wants to express empathy, but doesn’t wait to find out what I was wanting to talk about. Pretty soon he is talking about himself, and I’m deciding maybe I don’t need to talk about my dream (or my fears) after all.
The new and improved Maurice listens well. His first brief response validated my concern, and invited me to continue. In his second response, he pretty much repeated verbatim what I said to him. That let me know that I’d been heard, and that he understood what I was talking about. With that encouragement, I shared more details, and Maurice correctly understood what I was maybe afraid to say out loud. He says it for me, as a question, “Makes you wonder whether you are going crazy, doesn’t it?” Exactly! Meaningful conversation ensues.
Accurate empathy is often all a person needs to begin unpacking their feelings or thoughts. Listen well, briefly repeat feelings or thoughts you hear expressed, and care about what you hear.
The God of All Comfort
When a short-term mission team participant met a woman experiencing unimaginable grief, she empathized with the woman’s pain. Read how shared grief led to life transformation.
